A Pure Vessel
Because of the blossoming of my current physical and mental frailties, I am wholesomely cared for by my mother. I am unable to do many things. Nearby friends and daily encounters are with non-Buddhist practitioners. And this will continue for at least a year as I recover.
So, I deeply miss any Sangha or sangha community life. They have all fallen away and/or taken away their presence in my life.
Starting with Dec. 1 surgery, will begin my year of ripening old heavy negative karma.
But I have to (and have done already for one year) remained bedridden, and thanks to SSDisability, I am grateful, so grateful for it.
My only core that has kept me from going insane, is the Dharma and my Root Guru in Vermont (while I am in Cincinnati). And I’m still persevering with mindfulness, meditation, mantras . . . all Dharma practices, yet finding it hard to study much because of pain medications.
As this ripens, I know how much stronger an aspiring bodhisattva I will be . . .”What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.” I feel stronger in a very deep way with the time to meditate, do pranayama, and say mantras after preliminaries. I’m not yet up to what I want to be my Full Practice. I’m being forced to be more mindful in my movements because of the side effects of many medications which cause physical disorientation.
I know better not to look to the future or the past, and to be present to the moment 100%
I am grateful, so grateful for what I have here: shelter, Disability income, a grace-filled mother who lives just below me, and my greatest advocate, my greatest participation in his creation—my son. All of our extended families are slowly facing each other. Goodness is coming to us, so I spend my time on this blog as well as http://HarknessBallet.wordpress.com.
So, I’m in a cave, often going days without seeing anyone. And I think of this as training my extraordinarily monkey-on-crack mind. The lack of stimulus other than the computer, feels somewhat what a 3 years, 3 months, and, 3 days typical retreat might be. I can more understand the isolation, the deepening of practice without interruption. Someday I wan to be able to do the typical retreat. The physical and Reiki treatments would sustain me. That is my goal anyway, now.
One learns the discipline of daily routine, cleanliness, nutrition; and one persists with Daily Practice, Reiki and is better able to understand oneself, one’s limitations, one’s endless boundaries. I’m being taught how to be alone and not lonely. I feel like I am growing from each day of sickness. This leads me to almost feel capable of being alone for that length of time.
Whenever I die, I want you all to know that I sincerely want to be cared for by Tibetan Buddhist Geshela Lobsang Sopa in Vermont, or at Shar Gaden in India.
“May I ne’er turn back from just that excellent path praised by Buddha” (Sorry, this medicated mind and brain fog have made me extremely forgetful.)
I request prayers of you all, that I become a capable person who carries her own work (of living the Dharma) and others’ work with grace. Thank you for your virtue . . .
So, this post sent me on a journey throughout the rest of your blog, starting here and going all the way back to January 2007. (Just occurring to me that I read it backwards in time.) I suppose I’ve spent the better part of a couple of hours here. Didn’t read every single word, but much of it. It’s been an enjoyable ride, and the sharing of the difficulties resonated. Your path, joys and struggles, is inspirational. Your wisdom needed, and your cross-tradition / multi / interconnected religious approach (if that’s the right term) is similar to my own thoughts… Some things you wrote were quickly relate-able. FYI: “When Things Fall Apart” was my intro to Buddhism. I too think Pema is wonderful; one of my top 5 heroes. Though not knowing what the surgery(s) you speak of entails, my thoughts and best wishes are with you. Thank you for your presence and kindness over at my blog. It’s nice knowing you, and I’m looking forward to future posts. Also interested in the readings you do, and may even want to contact you about that at some point. It’s late for my brain to be writing anything…, so hoping any of this makes sense come morning…
Peace and truth and health. Bill
p.s. Bill, I am beginning to do e-mail Karma Tarot readings . . . eventually get a payment button on it, but for now, I’d be happy to do a free initial 3-card reading: just send me a jpeg of a headshot of you, or clear picture of you. Within 24-36 hours from when I receive your picture, I’ll send you an e-mail of my interpretation and suggestions, along with a jpeg of your 3-card layout.
Hello Mickey… I found your blog thru Bill. I plan to come back and read, it feels comfortable here. Being familiar with Reiki, since you mention it, I was wondering if you are aware that there are those who can transfer Reiki long distance… say, like, thru chat or an instant messenger? I do not do Reiki, but I know those who do. If you are interested, please let me know, and I will contact those who may be able to assist.
Blessings of bright, warm, Golden Light… and Gentle Peace…
Dear Abenaki,
Bill is dear to me . . . we are online friends. A friend of Bill’s is a friend of mine. Thank you for taking the time to read the blog . . . “it feels comfortable here” is the finest expression; such a good feeling to me, to know you are receiving benefits from the blog.
many thanks, peace, gratitude for all your blessings of Golden Light!
mickey (lobsang pamo) morgan
Abenaki,
Forgot to tell you I am a Level 2 practitioner of Reiki. At Level 2, one is taught how to do long-distance Reiki. I use it alot for myself, and not enough for others right now (medical issues)
later, good wishes,
mickey
Hi again, Mickey. Gosh, my mind has been pre-occupied with so many things (mother in hospital, me sleeping there … or not sleeping, lol) I must have been reading very fast, as I misunderstood what you had said about Reiki. Something inside of me thought you had wished to be able to receive Reiki, but unable to travel to wherever it is, that you might receive it. Sorry about that, lol. I had given a friend the link to your page, for the two of you to make connection, in case you had reponded that you wished to receive Reiki. I will correct my mistake. Best of all things, to you
p.s. Bill is, indeed, a sweetheart.
Abenaki,
How is your mother?
I’ve been fairly absent for 2 hip operations (that makes 4). I will pray for your mother’s peace, well-being and comfort . . . no matter what realm she is in.
blessings,
mickey
Thank you for your prayers, mickey, and thank you for asking. Mother is still with us
She has been home since January, I am her near-full-time caregiver. She continues to grow stronger, though her path is difficult, and her spirit not so accepting of her limitations. She does receive physical therapy three days a week, and a dear family friend sees her twice a week, who does massage, for her legs and hips (learning to walk again) … prayers to you, too, friend, for your continued strength and healing.
Abenaki,
The role of primary caregiver is extremely challenging, and I commend you for caring so well for your mom, who cared for you when you were completely helpless. I’d like to learn to be of significance to the dying (and suffering), so I’m listening to weekly podcasts from the Caregivers Corner. The earlier versions (c.2007) were called Living Energy. If you are interested go to their site and subscribe to the weekly c.55minute podcast . . . great discussion amongst 3 people who give ways of protecting yourself from burnout . . . good conversation, sometimes the minutia (minutiae?) of caregiving with advice for daily, moment by moment care: tangible, workable advice for those of you forced to become super-beings with the added responsibility of 24/7 being on call . . . such good karma you are accumulating by the kindness you give your mother! I am happy for you. And . . . first and foremost, as you say—prayer, learning to pray while external activity is going on (I haven’t yet). Will you allow me to know her first name to use in my daily practice.?
Thank you for the continued strength and healing (I am!) you sent my way. It would be good to care for yourself with the same love that you care for your mother.
world peace, world healing,
mickey
Mickey, I’d be happy for you to know her name, all prayers are welcome. Her name is Mildred (or Millie). Last name is Barton (just in case, lol!). Thank you for the website, I will have to check it out. I did, at least, buy a book about caregiving, but have not found the energy/time to read it… in fact, even as I keep accumulating books, one of my tiny little obssessive hobbies (she says, kicking her foot around, hands in pocket) I still do not find the focus for indulging in that past time. Mickey, I hope that I am earning good karma, because I sure don’t feel like it, some days, when I am in need of down time. If you wish, you may also pray for my own increased patience and clarity (recently diagnosed, and begun treatment, for adult add/adhd… which makes nothing of this caregiving role, in any way, easier… sigh). I admire your path towards the care of our sick and dying, it is most admirable.
Love & Light,
Sarah…
Sarah,
I’m just discovering how to read Google+ messages, so this is coming late.
Your caregiving is creating enormous good karma for you Sarah.
As to ADD/ADJD, subscribe to the podcasts on Madness Radio. Pills have devastated my life many a time as a bipolarite . . . be careful. That’s not the only, and I know my life will be shorter because of the chemical soup I’m becoming. I encourage you to look at hatha yoga, reiki, tai chi, qigong, et.al. My everyday pranayama (controlled breathing) and meditation have focused me far better than the pile of pills you’ll surely end up with. Try to do without pills until you understand what trauma in your life precipitated such an uncomfortable fluctuation of mind. Only you, eventually, are left to balance your own mind, and teach yourself restraint and single-pointed meditation on a sacred object every day. If you balance your mind, you will emanate peace to others . . . so helpful at such a time. Love is thick in the air, always,
mickey
Thinking of you and sending warm and healing wishes to you today as you have surgery. Wishes for a speedy recovery and great moments of clarity in these days.
Keep us posted.
Bill
Thank you my friend. The worst is over for the time being. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s The Great Catastrophe says that when you experience traumatizing pain, that your mind becomes clearer. Tis True. I, despite the drugs, am seeing new things about everything around me and I am entranced!
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mickey
Hello… hmmmm… I can only assume that your question, which arrived in me email box, was generated from my having shared the Tibtan MTV performance, in hip-hop mode? … it wasn’t the Alone-Without Sangha article that I was attempting to share… seems that i clicked on “share” , underneath the video, on your page, when I saw the Tibetan hip-hop thingie… I, too, was surprised when your WordPress profile pic showed up on my FaceBook page, along beside it (but, again, it linked to the Tibetan thing). It will do that, when sharing something off another’s FB page, on my FB page, but had no idea it would do that regarding the WordPress page. Did it prompt you to approve it or something? And I hope you don’t mind… if you would prefer, that I remove it, please let me know… these days, different modalties, of communication, are starting to over-lap and cross-match, etc… revealing places where you visit, on the web… I do not like that and, when possible, I disable those privacy-invading options… I had no problem, however, sharing your page, so left it… other option would have been to “share” it from th YouTube page, instead of from your page.. let me know what you think…
I hope you are doing well… Blessings to you, during this Holiday Season…
Dear Abenaki,
Yes, thank you for removing my profile page from your FB. I deleted the “Alone Without Sangha” comment. If you ever wish to use a YouTube video, it’s best to hit the Like button while the video is playing, then scroll down a little and there is the video’s address. Then when you’re posting on your blog, you copy the address to wherever you like in the post, but you won’t be able to see the video till you finish the post and it ends up as a video on your first page. Just about everything on the Web is removable, copy-ably. If I am understanding your challenge, you need to click under my large profile photo and hit the button saying “No signature” or something like that. Hope this addresses at least a few of the tangles you’re encountering.
Happy Winter Solstice (late tonight, 12:30am, hence it’s really Thursday, the 22nd),
mickey
Yes, I’m familiar with sharing YouTube videos, as I do so all the time… I just shared it from the wrong place, is all… shouldn’t have shared it from your page, but the option was there, so I did. Sorry about that. I’ve removed it from my page
Perhaps you should look into having those options removed from your WordPress, if it’s possible to even do so. Not sure, this is the first time it’s come up, for me, lol.
Happy Winter Solstice to you, too!
Dear Abenaki,
I am not attached to what I put out there, and if more people see it, the better. So no need to erase it from your FB page . . . you helpfully bring notice of the blog to others. I just want the writings out there, not stuck in me forever. And the completion of a writing is when you have an audience. You get feedback, and get to be a better writer.
Thanks for your courteous gesture, but you need not to have removed it. It’s free!
We’ll be in the winter solstice energy 5 days before and 5 days after.
I only ask that you attribute the FB entry to whomever is listed as author.
This healing thing (rt hip re-replacement) has been a great challenge from Dec. 1 surgery. It is not fun to be helpless. My poor dear mother is doing everything that a vital 78-year old clinical psychologist can do.
Yet, this too shall pass,
peace,
mickey
Well, it gets more confusing as it goes along. I totally misunderstood what you said. I thought you were thanking me, in advance, for taking it off my FB page, thought you were suggesting that I do so. What actually happened was that I clicked onto “share” from you blog page, on the Tibetan hip-hop thing. It posted to my FB page, via your page… so, of course, it had your profile pic, beside it, as the source from which I shared it. If I am not mistaken, the video played from your blog, which would have also given them access to your blog… but I can’t be certain, as I already deleted it. Not a problem, Mickey.
I hope you are doing well. I am so glad that you have someone wonderful to care for you, as you recover from your surgery. My mother is recovering from an auto accident, and I know how difficult things can be, when the body is talking… Peace!
Dear Abenaki,
Glad all confusion is made clear now. Yes, I worry about overstressing my mother as my primary caretaker. Your position is a very difficult caring for your mother, plus the rest of your life. May your mother be made whole and happy soon!
Thanks for you comments,
good wishes,
mickey